Really Big Love
No, this isn't going to be about having sex with large women...not that there's anything wrong with that. What I am talking about today is monogamy, polygamy and polyamory. The idea that everyone on this planet belongs to only one other person seems wrong to me, and sometimes I see the concepts of poly-relationships as being the more natural way for man and woman to comingle. In agrarian societies the family unit was very important, as children provided the labor needed to keep the farm productive enough to support everyone. But today in our urban lifestyle, it seems as if people are just too busy to dedicate themselves to just one single person. Not only that, but lives are more complicated and one person isn't always enough to provide that emotional support. Maybe it's because I've never been in a really serious relationship, but that's also why I feel this way.
For me, the beginning of a relationship is the hardest. That stage where both people are judging each other to decide whether or not that person can be "the one". We look at certain qualities we think we want in a mate, but in the end we are just searching for "red flags" to call things quits. Some people are the opposite, they think everything is love at first sight, but then watch as perfection turns to imperfection. In the end, 50% of all marriages end in divorce and those are the relationships that people thought would work. What about the dozen relationships that ended before that person got briefly married?
Maybe it's because of all the people I grew up with, none of them had a divorce-free family. Most of my friends growing up were the second family of a divorced older father, and a few (of their parents) got divorced during my childhood/adolescence. Marriage is this great union when two people are perfectly fit for each other, but that perfection is incredibly rare. What gets me is that people still defend marriage as if it's this pure and untouched tradition. People cheat on their spouses like crazy, or they fight all the time because they're stuck together with someone they just aren't right for. I know a couple who just got married a couple months ago despite his cheating ways and her apprehensions because of his actions. They will never work out, she even debated whether she should take his name because she didn't think she'd keep it. I went to dinner with them last week and there was no way to even tell that they were a couple, let alone newly-weds. If I was this guy I would never want to leave her side, but he already knows that he can get away with anything because she took him back after he cheated. The wedding was in Hawaii, cost a bundle to put together and had been planned for months. Why bother going through the ceremony? Because it's something all little girls dream about, that perfect wedding, and they will look past all the warning signs if they see that wedding on the horizon.
So what's wrong with polygamy? In a word: Jealousy. People cannot accept that they don't monopolize the time of their loved one. They feel inadequate in comparison to other lovers, and get jealous when they aren't involved. But really, what is more natural? Is it natural for a man to ignore everyone around him because it'll make his girlfriend jealous if he checks out someone he finds attractive? How about two professionals who can only get together once every 2 weeks, why should they be denied companionship because they have a busy mate? It's okay to have multiple friends, but multiple lovers is very taboo. You don't cheat on your best friend by confiding in a different friend.
So maybe I'm cynical on monogamy because every experience I've had with it has been a negative one. Either I couldn't remain faithful because I was 3000 miles away from my girlfriend, or I got possessive because she wasn't spending enough of her free time with me. Sometimes I just don't feel like I'm into her enough, but because I have to remain faithful, I just end things because I don't want to prolong the suffering. Ever since I started having "casual" relationships, I've been a better boyfriend despite the fact that monogamy is not something that is expected. I feel that monogamy should only happen if it's totally natural, if you feel attraction for only one person. Unless that happens, you're forcing yourself to do something unnatural and will fail eventually.
Instead of taking a chance on someone you don't know and committing to a futile monogamous relationship, why not try being casual for a while until you develop that trust needed for a successful relationship? I'm not an expert on this, considering the fact that my longest relationship was shorter than the Baseball Season. But it seems to me that people just aren't naturally designed to be stuck with just one mate. After all, I feel that we learn and grow with each person who touches our lives, and a lover touches it more than anyone. Having multiple lovers can help a person grow exponentially as a person, learning how to see things from multiple angles. Maybe I just feel this way because I've never fallen in love...maybe I'll change my mind when I do.
For me, the beginning of a relationship is the hardest. That stage where both people are judging each other to decide whether or not that person can be "the one". We look at certain qualities we think we want in a mate, but in the end we are just searching for "red flags" to call things quits. Some people are the opposite, they think everything is love at first sight, but then watch as perfection turns to imperfection. In the end, 50% of all marriages end in divorce and those are the relationships that people thought would work. What about the dozen relationships that ended before that person got briefly married?
Maybe it's because of all the people I grew up with, none of them had a divorce-free family. Most of my friends growing up were the second family of a divorced older father, and a few (of their parents) got divorced during my childhood/adolescence. Marriage is this great union when two people are perfectly fit for each other, but that perfection is incredibly rare. What gets me is that people still defend marriage as if it's this pure and untouched tradition. People cheat on their spouses like crazy, or they fight all the time because they're stuck together with someone they just aren't right for. I know a couple who just got married a couple months ago despite his cheating ways and her apprehensions because of his actions. They will never work out, she even debated whether she should take his name because she didn't think she'd keep it. I went to dinner with them last week and there was no way to even tell that they were a couple, let alone newly-weds. If I was this guy I would never want to leave her side, but he already knows that he can get away with anything because she took him back after he cheated. The wedding was in Hawaii, cost a bundle to put together and had been planned for months. Why bother going through the ceremony? Because it's something all little girls dream about, that perfect wedding, and they will look past all the warning signs if they see that wedding on the horizon.
So what's wrong with polygamy? In a word: Jealousy. People cannot accept that they don't monopolize the time of their loved one. They feel inadequate in comparison to other lovers, and get jealous when they aren't involved. But really, what is more natural? Is it natural for a man to ignore everyone around him because it'll make his girlfriend jealous if he checks out someone he finds attractive? How about two professionals who can only get together once every 2 weeks, why should they be denied companionship because they have a busy mate? It's okay to have multiple friends, but multiple lovers is very taboo. You don't cheat on your best friend by confiding in a different friend.
So maybe I'm cynical on monogamy because every experience I've had with it has been a negative one. Either I couldn't remain faithful because I was 3000 miles away from my girlfriend, or I got possessive because she wasn't spending enough of her free time with me. Sometimes I just don't feel like I'm into her enough, but because I have to remain faithful, I just end things because I don't want to prolong the suffering. Ever since I started having "casual" relationships, I've been a better boyfriend despite the fact that monogamy is not something that is expected. I feel that monogamy should only happen if it's totally natural, if you feel attraction for only one person. Unless that happens, you're forcing yourself to do something unnatural and will fail eventually.
Instead of taking a chance on someone you don't know and committing to a futile monogamous relationship, why not try being casual for a while until you develop that trust needed for a successful relationship? I'm not an expert on this, considering the fact that my longest relationship was shorter than the Baseball Season. But it seems to me that people just aren't naturally designed to be stuck with just one mate. After all, I feel that we learn and grow with each person who touches our lives, and a lover touches it more than anyone. Having multiple lovers can help a person grow exponentially as a person, learning how to see things from multiple angles. Maybe I just feel this way because I've never fallen in love...maybe I'll change my mind when I do.
posted by Dan Pasternack at 3:35 PM
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